I have been convicted by Hebrews 5:12. It says, “By this time you ought to have been teachers yourselves, yet you still need someone to teach you the first lessons of God’s message – baby’s milk when you should have been on solid food long ago.” I have known truth and ignored it for a long time. My prodigal son testimony gave me something of an excuse. I felt like God knew how far I had strayed and he should be happy if I was straying a little bit less far. Recently I have been overcome by revival. It’s a daily process, but now that I am awake I’m learning and unlearning and relearning with him each day. I am not my god. The Lord is my God and I will obey him.

An Offering of Obedience

It’s dark outside, but I am awake. Reluctant to roll over and check the time, I stay nestled for a moment longer. Agitated by the betrayal of my body, I keep still. Resenting my mechanics for shaking me from slumber. Through my irritation, there is still wonder. I surrender stubbornness and comply with curiosity. Rotating beneath blankets to reach for my phone, light floods my squinting eyes and I see 6:00 on the dot glaring at me. Knowing now, it’s not the middle of the night, I am left with a choice. An alarm set for eight, I could toss in restlessness for two more hours. Or, I could choose to rise earlier than intended. 

I close my eyes again. It’s no use. The switch in my head has already been flipped. The gears throughout my body creaking and groaning as my systems begin to buzz in their startup rituals for a new day. Nevertheless I resist. I keep my eyes tightly shut as if my refusal to see would somehow stop myself from awakening. 

There is a whisper that travels through all my senses, calling me up out of bed. I dwell on the tasks on my to do list, dreading the exhaustion that is sure to overcome me before evening. Still, I hear my name like a murmur in my mind. Someone speaking to me through all of space and time. A sigh heaves from my chest and removes rationality. I release the tension in my face and untangle my lashes. Staring at the ceiling through the darkness; my machinery is in motion, now humming steadily. I rise in obedience and know that I am ruined. I will never know autonomy again. I am not the engineer that comes early in the morning to pull the levers and turn on the equipment.